Nobody who has not previously been suicidal can fully imagine the pain you are experiencing right now. You are trying to maintain your outer life as you think it should be lived and seen, but secretly you may be trying to figure out how to end your life prematurely, whether gracefully or not. The surges of deep agony you are experiencing may often become unbearable. You may grit your teeth often, or even sometimes writhe on the floor.
Perhaps you are already seeing a therapist or a doctor, but you can't bear the thought of telling him or her about your secret feelings or plans. You may have determined to solve your problem yourself, to carry it through to its conclusion, no matter what the consequences for you, your family, and your friends. Within you there may be a bleak doubting of your worth, a blank wall where the future used to be.
You may be researching ways to end your life, hoping for the least amount of pain that will lead to an imagined release into oblivion. You may be deciding upon the perfect place, and you may be mentally composing the perfect message to leave behind. Guess what?
YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Thousands of people have had feelings like yours. Although some of those people are no longer with us because they succumbed to desperation, many others have found ways to cope with such previously unmanageable feelings -- and they have created useful, successful, and happier lives out of what could have ended in tragedy.
What did these people do? THEY GOT HELP. They talked to counselors or doctors or pastors or parents or trusted friends. Some received help from taking prescribed medicines that alleviate feelings of depression, anxiety, and desperation. These medicines allowed them to get a new grip.
Chances are that, awful as you may feel right now, you value your life very much, but you just don't know how to stop the pain. There's a way. By means of some combination of time, counseling, medicine, and planning, you can avoid the fate of those who, for whatever reason, didn't take that first step forward.
At this very moment you have the option to GET SOME HELP if you have access to a telephone. You can call the National Crisis Hotline at 988 or 1-800-784-2433, or Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
You don't have to say who you are over the phone. You can explain your situation and feelings to a person who understands. You can learn about new alternatives that you may not have considered before. You have nothing at all to lose. NOW IS THE BEST TIME.
Your inner pain can become less troublesome if you get help. Very likely these impulses will go away completely after a period of healing. You have much ahead of you, and right now a concerned person is ready to help you on the phone. Just call.
See Suicide Prevention Services of America for more information about suicide and its prevention.
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