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Pieces of Mind
by Alan Harris
1994
Thanks are extended to the Burlington Northern Railroad
for providing the commuting time necessary for this project.



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Many who will sit inert before a TV all day will also honk in slow traffic.



Leaving a few stones unturned in a marriage or a minefield can be downright healthy.



Something about righteous people strikes one as wrongeous.



If every discarded corporate goal in America could be changed into a muffin,
world hunger might be ended.



Give a man a fish
and feed him for a day;
teach a man to fish
and he casts his life away.



Ye armies, take up golf.



God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.
Later, IBM said, "Let the chips fall where they may,"
and chaos was upon the earth.



He traveled the world, carrying vast unexplored territories within.



Thrice passed along and truth goes wrong.



Plenty from Nothing
So many good deeds,
costing no one a dime,
are done by the people
who have the least time.



A society lady's best snub is no match for that of a summoned house cat.



Nobody scolds like a coward.



"I don't mind dying," the old-timer mused, "but I'm sure going to miss myself."



Epitaph
(as wished by Keith E. Harris)
Some of my advice was good, some poor.
Some was followed, some ignored.
May it be that the good advice was followed
and the poor advice was ignored.



Delayed Honor
Advanced degrees
(a waste of time?)
require a climb
on servile knees.
Who dare displease
and do the contrary
get all the honorary
Ph.D.'s.



Silence is golden, like wedding rings only much scarcer.



When I'm very ill, no fat ladies may sing at my bedside.



The first robin of spring has to eat frozen entrées.



Whoever first said "Hey, man!" was to be the most widely quoted dude in modern times.



A stitch in time saves the theory of relativity.



Too many looks spoil the betrothal.



Pep Talk to Shy Poets
Will editors request the poems
you've written for your drawer?
As well make friends by holing up
behind an armored door.



Law of Halves
Reprimands
where none are needed
make every new one
half as heeded.



People You May Know
Execudrudge
Follows paralytic procedures to the nth decree.

Maitre d'isdain
Helps you feel humble in a restaurant where you don't really belong.

Hairbabbler
Gets gossip all over your new do.

Cellular phony
Attracts dates by flashing his pocket phone.

Stockbroken
Working on his third improved system.

Standup Graffitian
Writes high comedy in the stalls.

Hell's Angler
Rides a Harley to the trout stream.

Altered Boy
Piously trades puberty for the soprano section.

Baba Bigaura
A perfected being who has to take on disciples to keep from starving.



Music is evidence that beauty, mathematics, and time all live in the same neighborhood.



Stumbling blocks make wonderful starting blocks for the next race.



Happiness may come in waves separated by generous troughs.



Jesus had quite an impact for one who apparently knew no algebra.



When you're down in the dumps, advice becomes excruciatingly abundant.



A kiss in time makes nine.



When a salesman says my name repeatedly, he is pushing a button--the eject button.



Getting your hair clipped tends to make your secrets fall out of your mouth.



Junk Class Mail
A proposed new category for most US Mail,
which would be conveyed from the Post Office directly into a
nearby recycling truck, offering Americans an environmentally
correct savings of millions of domestic hours.



Perhaps 90% of us have been talked into doing 90% of what we have done.



Corporate Image Task Force Report
Our research shows that the best way to make our customers think
they are getting what they ask for is to give them what they ask for.



Half of humanity have ego problems, while the other half are proud not to have any.



No Hog Heaven?
Might not the same bliss
as the guru's Nirvana
be experienced by pigs
in a rotten banana?



The road to hell is littered with the manuscripts
of church sermons written late on Saturday.



To marry for happiness may end up stretching both words a little.



Businessman's Prayer
God grant me the ingenuity
to escape the things I cannot change,
money to change the things I can,
and lawyers to know the difference.



Random silences deepen a conversation and add force to an argument.



Unanimously Remorseful
Personnel in a meeting
to agreements may come,
which in each of their hearts
they know to be dumb.



Good Morning Wish
May your breakfast food nourish,
your day ahead flourish,
and your outlook on living
be never too worryish.



Well-Balanced Man
He's just as shallow as he is loud,
as incompetent as he is arrogant,
and as insecure as he is cocksure.



Lecture: a verbal dance between voice and attention,
sometimes accompanied by meaning.



Never lose more money than you can afford to lend.



Exposed
In life no law's known
to prevent hurtful words,
as in death one's gravestone
is wide open to birds.



He has a six-figure handshake.



To nurse a few grudges is forgivable if you try not to breast-feed them.



The Kindest Safe
Thieves will fail,
try as they may,
to steal any money
you've given away.



Comfort: what philosophers deride in order to somewhat achieve.



Computers have enabled business offices to move much more quickly from one emergency to the next.



Perhaps the only infallible way to detect a lie is to be the liar.



Country Song Title
You Punched a Hole in My Heart Like I Was A Train Ticket to Peoria



Didn't we think we were bad when we used to do a drive-by tooting?



The wealthy appreciate humility in others, and some even pretend to it themselves.



No bird flies freer than a skating child.



Computer Book Title
Artificial Intelligence for Dummies



A computer is a city in a box.



Find some friends you like, or be stuck with the friends who find you.



In Case of Offense
The feather of humor
may sometimes
be felt as a dagger thrust.
Humblest apologies to
any wounded reader.

--A. H., April, 1994